Ok. So when I started this blog, I had a plan about how I was going to tell my story. You know a logical retelling that would allow you to live my journey. To know where I come from and how steep a road I’m traveling. However I have some news I’m just dying to share with someone. I know we don’t know each other that well, but I simply can’t contain myself.
Ten years ago I met a man, who I can only describe as my soulmate (yes I am a devout believer in fate, destiny and true love) The very first time I saw him, he stopped me in my tracks. His gaze cut right through me and all my pretensions. I felt the ground shift beneath my feet and it took all my willpower to restrain myself from running into his arms. After all he was a complete stranger, and at the time I was already in a relationship with my children’s father.
In the end I choose the safe, steady, dependable love, over the wild, gut wrenching, overwhelming, magnetic love I found in him. Yet we were never quite able to let each other go. We kept loosely in touch over the course of the next decade. Even after I had children and he left the country, our bond could not be severed.
Why am I telling you this? Well yesterday I received a phone call informing me that he is returning home for 3 weeks, and a request that he stay with me. He arrives tomorrow! Now I am having a panic attack and wondering why I said yes.
How am I going to explain this new man to my kids? I haven’t even been on a date since my ex left 18 Months ago!! What happens if we don’t live up to each others expectations? My heart is already over invested so how will I cope if it doesn’t work? What if its amazing? I’ll be devastated when he returns to Africa. How is it that this man can make me so nervous and feel so vulnerable, when I’m normally confident and self assured?
See I was always so comfortable knowing that my heart belonged somewhere, even though we could never be together. I was truly content with the idea that I might remain single for the rest of my life, because I had this philosophy that for my next relationship to be worth it, it had to affect me even more profoundly then he did. Never in a million years did I contemplate that he would come here and play house with me. This unexpected situation has thrown me entirely off balance.
I often feel quite alone in this experience of love. I wonder if anyone else has a relationship like ours? Both madly in love but also content not to be together? Perhaps his arrival will change that? The only thing I know for sure is that its suddenly about to become very real, and I’m terrified