Apologies for being AWOL this last week, but after enduring a nasty head cold, sick kids an overwhelming workload and yet another devastating heart break, well something just had to give.
So I’m back on the mend, my heart bloodied and bruised but intact, my demons exorcised. I’m ready to start again, from scratch, hopefully for the last time. I hope that now after much reflection that i have let go of all toxic influences and ghosts from my youth. And maybe finally accepted that the fairy tale isn’t always a result of a lifetime of dreaming and wishing. That more often than not it is born of resilience and determination and looks nothing like what you ever imagined.
I have always been the dreamer who put my faith in fate. In the ultimate plan of the universe. That if only I trusted in fate and infused the world with all the positive energy i could possibly muster, wonderful things would happen and that I would always be surrounded by joy. This week that illusion has finally been shattered, my faith in the universe and the divine path has all but been eroded. Leaving me with the reality of how far i have fallen and the steepness of the road left to climb.
When MAM came to visit I was filled with an overwhelming hope that finally, after ten years of running and chasing that the universe was giving us our chance. What really happened was that I discovered that the man I was madly in love with for more than a decade, never saw a future with me. That although he might love me, I have never fitted his vision of an ideal match. I am too broken, too chaotic, to wildly emotional and erratic to be the woman he wants. He believes I’m too much of a mess and need to fix myself and because of this he withheld his heart from me. Although this cut me he didn’t really say anything that wasn’t already true. He simply held up a mirror to my own heart and allowed me to look in.
So today after yet more tears, mulled wine and a bath. I have decided I have not failed. I have simply cleared the last of the unstable foundations, so that this time my road will be solid and strong and it will never falter again. MAM will not feature on my road again. I will not travel to Africa. From this moment on there is only one goal that remains. Rome.