Brick by brick

This road is going to be slow, much slower than I could have ever imagined. I knew it wasn’t an easy goal, but i never anticipated so many hidden hurdles. I expected a few bumps and maybe some cracked pavers that needed attention.  I believed it would be a simple matter of smoothing the surface and laying a concrete pour. Slow but smooth. Instead it has become more akin to laying the way forward brick by brick, pausing to get council consent before each one.

All in all, so far have managed to save (in my optimistically titled Travel account) a whole $178. Significantly less than my minimum saving goal of $500 a month and no where near the ideal goal of $1000. Due to lots of unexpected expenses rising out of the either, most attributed to my ex’s legacy.

Never the less, I have started this journey and am fully committed to carrying on. Because however slow this road may be, its not just about money. Its not just about Rome. It is about growth. As I recently had some one dear to me remind me, This broken person in the mirror isn’t who I am. This shell, this empty vessel is not who I am. The vibrant free spirited overwhelmingly positive outgoing independent person I once was, may have been eroded, but she has not been erased. I will find her. I will bring her back to life. I will be whole again.

First step reclaiming my home and making it mine!

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Starting over

Hi All,

Apologies for being AWOL this last week, but after enduring a nasty head cold, sick kids an overwhelming workload and yet another devastating heart break, well something just had to give.

So I’m back on the mend, my heart bloodied and bruised but intact, my demons exorcised. I’m ready to start again, from scratch, hopefully for the last time. I hope that now after much reflection that i have let go of all toxic influences and ghosts from my youth. And maybe finally accepted that the fairy tale isn’t always a result of a lifetime of dreaming and wishing. That more often than not it is born of resilience and determination and looks nothing like what you ever imagined.

I have always been the dreamer who put my faith in fate. In the ultimate plan of the universe. That if only I trusted in fate and infused the world with all the positive energy i could possibly muster, wonderful things would happen and that I would always be surrounded by joy. This week that illusion has finally been shattered, my faith in the universe and the divine path has all but been eroded. Leaving me with the reality of how far i have fallen and the steepness of the road left to climb.

When MAM came to visit I was filled with an overwhelming hope that finally, after ten years of running and chasing that the universe was giving us our chance. What really happened was that I discovered that the man I was madly in love with for more than a decade, never saw a future with me. That although he might love me, I have never fitted his vision of an ideal match. I am too broken, too chaotic, to wildly emotional and erratic to be the woman he wants. He believes I’m too much of a mess and need to fix myself and because of this he withheld his heart from me. Although this cut me he didn’t really say anything that wasn’t already true. He simply held up a mirror to my own heart and allowed me to look in.

So today after yet more tears, mulled wine and a bath. I have decided I have not failed. I have simply cleared the last of the unstable foundations, so that this time my road will be solid and strong and it will never falter again. MAM will not feature on my road again. I will not travel to Africa. From this moment on there is only one goal that remains. Rome.

The things we do….

I don’t do mornings. Especially early ones. No matter how beautiful and picturesque in there quiet solitude, we quite simply are not friends. I live for the night, a soul drawn to the moon and there are few things more sacred to me than sleep itself.

This morning however I found myself yanked from slumber at 4 am to collect my African man (MAM) from the airport. Did you hear me? 4 IN THE MORNING!! A time where only the souls stumbling in from the revels of the night before should be awake. Yet here i was in the cold at the airport.

Fast forward three hours and my children are completely enamored with our new house guest. Without request they were on their very best behavior. My son who refuses to get up most mornings and drags himself out the door declaring he hates school was up before the alarm went off, dressed and organised before I had even boiled the jug. My darling daughter not to be outdone, made every effort to make our guest feel welcome in our home.

All was going well until I had to forgo my morning coffee stop because MAM absolutely couldn’t leave the house without first ironing his trousers. He informs me of this in full knowledge that I am in fact running late. Hence a long slow sleepy and rather grumpy day ensued. If this carries on its going to be a very drawn out three weeks.

Oh the things we do for those we love….

Stop The Press!!

Ok. So when I started this blog, I had a plan about how I was going to tell my story. You know a logical retelling that would allow you to live my journey. To know where I come from and how steep a road I’m traveling.  However I have some news I’m just dying to share with someone. I know we don’t know each other that well, but I simply can’t contain myself.

Ten years ago I met a man, who I can only describe as my soulmate (yes I am a devout believer in fate, destiny and true love) The very first time I saw him, he stopped me in my tracks. His gaze cut right through me and all my pretensions. I felt the ground shift beneath my feet and it took all my willpower to restrain myself from running into his arms. After all he was a complete stranger, and at the time I was already in a relationship with my children’s father.

In the end I choose the safe, steady, dependable love, over the wild, gut wrenching, overwhelming, magnetic love I found in him. Yet we were never quite able to let each other go. We kept loosely in touch over the course of the next decade. Even after I had children and he left the country, our bond could not be severed.

Why am I telling you this? Well yesterday I received a phone call informing me that he is returning home for 3 weeks, and a request that he stay with me. He arrives tomorrow! Now I am having a panic attack and wondering why I said yes.

How am I going to explain this new man to my kids? I haven’t even been on a date since my ex left 18 Months ago!! What happens if we don’t live up to each others expectations? My heart is already over invested so how will I cope if it doesn’t work? What if its amazing? I’ll be devastated when he returns to Africa. How is it that this man can make me so nervous and feel so vulnerable, when I’m normally confident and self assured?

See I was always so comfortable knowing that my heart belonged somewhere, even though we could never be together. I was truly content with the idea that I might remain single for the rest of my life, because I had this philosophy that for my next relationship to be worth it, it had to affect me even more profoundly then he did. Never in a million years did I contemplate that he would come here and play house with me. This unexpected situation has thrown me entirely off balance.

I often feel quite alone in this experience of love. I wonder if anyone else has a relationship like ours? Both madly in love but also content not to be together? Perhaps his arrival will change that? The only thing I know for sure is that its suddenly about to become very real, and I’m terrified

Lets get to know each other. I’ll go first…

So I’ve heard that one of the great things about the internet is that you can skip right over the awkward getting to know you stage and get right to the point. But…. somehow i think my journey would be easier to understand if you knew a little bit about what makes me.. well me.

So hear goes. In essence I am an oxymoron, a complicated conundrum if you will. I am a gypsy soul with a craving for luxe. A free spirit running barefoot into decadence and indulgence. I love bonfires on the beach and travelling without a plan, discussing politics and social obligations over mason jars, almost as much as I love day spas, makeup, shopping, jewellery and fine dining. I am as whimsical and impulsive as I am head strong and stubborn.

I am an incredibly private person yet find it extremely cathartic to share this with you. I’ve never quite understood this blogging thing, but here I am doing it anyway hoping strangers will read it (which amazingly some of you wonderful people have) because I cant bring myself to share my inner dialogue with people who actually know me

I desire nothing more than to buy an old combie van and hit the road following the wind and my heart. But only if in doing so there was room for my wardrobe and my extensive shoe collection ( I mean really how does anyone survive without a selection of heels) Baths are another thing I’m not at all comfortable giving up.

I crave organisation, but thrive on chaos. I am always a little undone, a little unpolished. Somewhat rough around the edges. Capable of playing both the lady and the tramp. A paradox, dreaming of being an enigma. I wish to be seen as mysterious and complex but the reality is I fall a little short. Indeed  I am often confronted with the fact that I am remarkably transparent.

And so here I am laid bare for you, in the hope that you might understand me. Hopefully in a year I will look back on this description of myself and find that I have grown, become  a little less lost and a little more whole. Perhaps I will also find that some of you have chosen to share yourselves with me.

The Big 3 0 and the first step

This month I saw in my 30th birthday. I say saw in, instead of celebrated, because truth be told it was as far from a celebration as I could imagine. Instead of marking the first true milestone birthday of adulthood with cake, champagne, and a certain sense of self accomplishment, I saw it in alone, in a puddle of tears on my bathroom floor.

Somewhere over the course of the last ten years, my life derailed. Somehow I allowed myself to travel along a path that left me broke, single and a mother of two. A far cry from the lofty dreams of my 19 year old self. I realized I had trapped myself in a terribly mundane life, a life that offered me no hope, little joy and no sense of accomplishment or satisfaction.

So after the tears dried and my soul was successfully soothed with a heady mix of bath oil and mulled wine , I set myself a goal. And emboldened by the wine and a desire for accountability I went a step further and decided I would share my very personal journey with the internet.

And here I am! Raw, authentic, exposed and terrified.  The goal? To save $16,000 to take my two kids on 2 month tour of Europe, culminating in Rome. Whilst simultaneously clawing myself out of debt, pursuing my degree, keeping my job and being there for my kids. Time Frame? August 2019, 2 years 3 months from now.

Can I do it? Who knows. But today I lay the first brick for the rest of my life. I’m committed to follow the road… are you coming too?